my poem on depression

INSIDE YOU

 I’m coming to see you.
You can see me in the mirror.
Underneath your broken flesh.
Don’t be a fool you know where I am.
Hiding in the cobwebs and cracks of your heart.
I’ll take you over and make you mine.
I’ll start with the feelings and move over to your brain.
Exploring your mind and breaking the strings.
He wouldn’t be dead if you asked for some help.
I’m calling my friends: anger, guilt and some regret.
You think you can’t escape and that’s fine with me.
Little do you know how much could change.
If you just stop letting me in your brain.
Think harder you know my name.
Hi nice to meet you.
They call me depression.
I’m here to see you.
I’ll stay here too.

This is a poem i wrote about depression. It describes how Francis feels throughout the book. After his father's suicide, Francis begins to feel angry that his father died. Chapter fourteen is called replacement. which makes a lot of sense when you read the chapter because you realize Francis's mother begins to move on and starts dating. Francis had misunderstood the man his aunt had brought for dinner to their house as his aunt's boyfriend. He found it strange that his aunt could ever find a man. So he decides to call her up to congratulate her and ask her how they ever met. When he calls, his aunt clears up the confusion by saying she brought him to meet her sister (Francis's mom) and she thinks they both like each other. Upon hearing this Francis gets enraged.He decides to leave his house to go talk to Mr.D, who is the owner of deli delight, where Francis works. Before he leaves his little brother Luc, asks Francis if he got stung by a bee. Francis then in the book on pg.108 explains to us that Luc uses that to describe something that seems extremely awful to him. This shows us how upset he thought Francis was. Francis replies by saying "Not just a bee, a bumblebee.A seven-foot-tall monster bee!(Chalifour,2005,pg.108). By the end of the chapter its clear to us Francis feels his mother tried to replace his father. By chapter fifteen Francis feels guilty and regretful because on page 118 his mother tells him she asked George( the man she was dating) to leave. Francis blames himself for the pain he knows he caused his mother and regrets his decision. This relates to depression because Francis is not accepting the fact that everyone is beginning to move on from his father's suicide. He does not understand why he cannot move on from the suicide.Chapter fifteen is when Francis begins to reflect on how he is behaving and in the next few chapters decides to run away because he doesn't want to cause anymore pain then he thinks he is causing his family.The poem i wrote is the way i feel Francis feels about depression. Francis always words like "that old grief monster"(Chalifour,2005,pg.60). He describes his heart as"...this big ugly thing inside my chest actually hurt"(Chalifour,2005,pg.34). These words let us know that Francis is hurt. But Francis does not know what to call this. He mentions this when he says " i don't know if i was ashamed or afraid or angry or embarrassed"(Chalifour,2005,pg.50). I feel Francis does not understand he is going through depression. Or he feels if he admits he is depressed that will make him vulnerable and he wont be able to continue being strong for his family.


  

The Mask Of Depression

                                          (http://www.anxietykey.com/truth-about-you-and-anxiety/)

Having depression does not always mean that individual is going to show it in their everyday life. Francis is doing exactly that. Not showing his depression. In chapter seven he begins to go to school. Throughout the day certain things triggered certain memories and his best friend Houston wasn’t helping by talking about his father and what they did over the weekend. I choose this picture because I feel it describes how Francis feels at home verses school. At home Francis is more open about his sadness towards his father’s suicide and is able to express his emotions to his family. But at school Francis is not willing to express his emotions because he fears he will be labeled. For example on page sixty-eight he says he does not want to be some sort of “grief freak”. He also goes on to explain how he feels about people in his school. ”At our school people sniff out differences like killer sharks going for blood. You’re supposed to be free to express yourself, but you’d better be the same as everybody-or else.”(Chalifour, 2005, pg.30) This explains to us why Francis does not want people in school to know about his depression. It's probably because he believes everyone at school will treat him as an outcast. The mask in this picture for me represented his way of hiding from the outside world and not letting them know how he feels. It’s essentially his way of isolating himself. When an individual is battling with depression they use the method of pretending to be happy as a way to make themselves believe they are alright. 

The Five Steps Of Grief

                                                     
Losing a loved one can be a very difficult transition in your life. But what's more difficult is the journey from denial to acceptance, also known as the grieving process. The grieving process has five steps to it. Denial/shock, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Since every individual experiences grief in different ways. The order of the process or even some steps in the process do not always have to apply to you. You could start right from the start or at a different stage. The best way I can describe grief would be, it’s the walk you take alone knowing the feeling comes and goes. 

 ( watch video up to 1:27 please)

I chose this video to help myself and you understand the process Francis is going through to understand and accept his father's suicide. Francis started his process right from the start. In chapter one shock is very evident. “I swear my heart stopped beating. My throat constricted, and my belly hurt as if a wolf had eaten my guts” (Chalifour, 2005, pg. 7). This is what Francis says after his mother tells him his father is dead. His way of describing what he felt makes it obvious he was in shock. Anger can manifest itself due to the individual blaming others or even themselves for the death of the deceased individual. In Francis’s situation he chose to blame others and take his anger out on them. By chapter three Francis began to shut himself out from the outside world. When his mother tried to talk to him his reply was “There’s nothing wrong! Leave me alone” (Chalifour, 2005, pg. 34). The reason he was feeling so angry was because he kept blaming himself for his father's death and took his frustration out on everyone around him. Bargaining is an interesting stage. Because it can be different for everyone depending on the situation. For example if the person is facing death they can be bargaining with their beliefs. If it’s someone facing the death of a loved one (in our case Francis) they tend to bargain with their spiritual beliefs. “Do you believe in god?” It had never occurred to me to wonder what she believed, but now it seemed urgent for me to know.” (Chalifour, 2005, pg. 58).This is the best quote from the book for me to understand bargaining. This was the start for Francis when he began questioning the existence of god and why he chose to hurt his father. The reason I chose the grief process besides the fact it described Francis’s situation was because one of the hardest stages in the process is depression. It is the stage that lasts either for a long time or short. I feel for Francis this stage lasted the longest. Throughout my book his depression was very evident. The process helped me understand why depression is hard to overcome. The reason I chose to talk about the grieving process is because for me it changed my opinion on depression. I realized that depression was not actually an obstacle in an individual’s way to move on. Instead it was an aid that helped us appropriately move on and heal. When I first read about the process I felt depression was the stage that was the most hardest because it stopped the person from accepting whatever loss they were going through and instead it filled you with feelings of sadness, guilt and etc. but what I failed to realize was that the reason you felt sad to begin with was because you accepted the loss and now you are beginning to heal. This opened my eyes because I realized depression actually was the hardest because it was the stage that helped us learn to accept even the hardest situations we might go through in life. If we can learn to battle through depression then what we are actually doing are learning to accept our feelings and realize that the whole time we felt depressed was because we were denying the truth. For Francis he was trying to deny the pain he was bearing in his heart regarding his father’s death.  

Depression

By: Kiranjeet Tamber

What is depression when you think about it? A mental disorder? Or just a feeling you get temporarily that eventually subsides into the many interesting strings in your brain. In the novel After by Francis Chalifour, the character Francis describes depression as "that old grief monster" (Chalifour, 2005, pg, 60). As I was reading this heart touching novel I came across the article Depression Symptoms and Warning Signs by Melinda Smith. I really enjoyed this article because it is essentially a guide in giving knowledge about depression and how if affects different age groups and genders.

Francis is a fifteen year old boy who was deeply affected by his father's suicide. As I was reading this novel, I came to realize that Francis had various symptoms describing a person who was battling with depression, some symptoms including aggressive behaviour, lack of interest in usual enjoyable activities such as socializing with friends and family, and drastic change in his sleep and diet routine. As I continued to read this novel the changes that occurred in Francis's behaviours, both emotionally and physically were radical. These changes were very much evident during his fathers funeral and also a week after his fathers funeral. During his fathers funeral, Francis kept mentioning how he wanted to punch one of the assistants at the funeral house who was only trying to make him feel comfortable. He said "I would have liked to pull his freaking smile off his face and stomp on it" (Chalifour, 2005, pg, 16). He went from a happy, kind, and caring individual to a depressed and emotionally torn individual. To conclude, this article has helped me understand Francis more emotionally. I would recommend this article to someone who might think they are battling with depression since it provides numerous phone numbers and extra information on depression and how to help not only yourself, but also others battling with this unwanted misery. 

Works Cited

Chalifour, Francis. After. Toronto, Ontario: Tundra Books, 2005. Print.

    Smith, Melinda, Joanna Saisan, and Jeanne Segal. 'Depression Symptoms & Warning Signs: How To Recognize Depression Symptoms And Get Effective Help'. Helpguide.org. N.p., 2015. Web. 26 Oct. 2015.